REUTERS in Vacaville, California - A motorist was killed when an airborne cow smashed through the windscreen of his pick-up truck, striking him on the head. The California Highway Patrol said the 340-kg, 11/2 year-old heifer wandered on to a road during stormy weather on Wednesday night in an unincorporated area of Solano county about 80 km northeast of San Francisco. A 1983 Mercedes-Benz travelling north on the road hit the animal, sending it hurtling into the air and into the path of the Toyota pick-up, which was travelling south. The cow fell through the windscreen and killed the driver, who was wearing a seat belt. After hitting the pick-up, the heifer was thrown on to the southbound lane and was hit by another Toyota pick-up. "This is about as freaky an accident as you can imagine," California Highway Patrol Officer Chris Linehan said in an interview. [Ed.: For reasons unknown, the journalist does not specify the make of officer Linehan's car. Perhaps he ran out of drugs.] "Animals get hit but not something like this, with it getting thrown up into the air and flying into another car," he said. Officer Linehan said police were withholding the name of the victim pending family notification.The drivers of the Mercedes and the second pick-up were not injured. Officer Linehan said the heifer was probably killed by the first impact.
What do you think about that story? Thin, huh? Not credible. Officer Linehan was clearly not telling the truth. It is a shame that the cow is now beyond repair, because that means we can't interview it, but surely nobody in their right mind would believe that the cow wanders out to graze on the northbound lane of the San Francisco highway?! Unless of course the grass was greener on the other side, and the tragic incident was caused by the cow trying to cross the road. Evidence collected by your investigative team, however, suggests no such thing; in fact the grass at the side of the northbound lane was probably marginally greener, if anything.
So why is Officer Linehan lying? Perhaps out of ignorance, but perhaps he was following orders... Is this a massive cover-up to hide from the public evidence of facts so frightening, this reporting team almost wet their pants? We realised that a case with such calamitous implications required the undivided attention of the two finest brains in East Asia today. Unfortunately, they were tied up with other important business, so we decided to have a go at it ourselves.
We didn't have many leads to go on, but we now believe the truth is to be found in one of the theories below, produced by your tireless investigative team after intense research without food or drink except for steak sandwiches and a couple of six-packs of beer each.
1. At the 16th anniversary of the transmogrifier strip invented by Sam Watterston for Calvin and Hobbes, scientist Norman F. Jennings in Paco Alto, Ca, perfected the device, incorporated it into a bright green squirtgun, and, in the proud tradition of scores of scientists before him, promptly misplaced it. It was found by his 5-year old son Jim, who while watching the traffic pointed the gun at a sparrow flying low over the northbound lane of the San Francisco highway. "Cow," he said (young Jim was not equipped with what you might call an above average IQ), and that was it. Finale for the driver of the Toyota.
2. The cow in fact belongs in the 16th century. In order to understand this, it is important to study the geological past of that particular strip of high-way: rigorous research combined with some educated guesswork by your investigative team has discovered that before the road was constructed, the area was in fact farmland, populated by domesticated animals such as the cow. Little did it know that it was about to be transported through the fourth dimension and land in heavy mid-morning traffic on the San Francisco highway in 1999. One moment, the cow was grazing, minding its own business, thinking cow thoughts such as, hey, maybe the grass is better over where Bob is, and - WHAM - it walks through a hole in the time/space continuum and is dumped on the hood of a 1983 Mercedes Benz. This phenomenon is often described as "a ripple in the surface of the universe," no doubt caused by the proximity to the Earth of a massive billion-years old black hole, as Dr. Stephen Hawking would gladly explain (if he could speak, that is). We would have liked to present evidence for this theory, but unfortunately the cow was destroyed that same day (Officer Linehan will be the first to admit that his wife is not a good cook). In reality, had Officer Linehan not been so eager to close the case based on that very dubious grazing theory of his, he might have spent just a little time investigating the dead bovine. A carbon-dating test would almost certainly have revealed that the contents of the cow's stomach could not possibly have been consumed in this century (Note: Don't think this investigative team doesn't know that a cow typically chews its food over a long period of time. OF COURSE we had thought of that).
3. Due to high local unemployment among domesticated animals following pressure from imported foodstuff, one ambitious cow had enrolled in a training scheme for carrier pigeons, using a fake ID. Having passed the theoretical test, it was only a few seconds into the first practice flight that the unfortunate cow realised why he was the only non-feathered participant on the team.
4. Having successfully negotiated the abolition of the law of gravity on behalf of all cows in Solano County, the chief negotiator returned in triumph to his constituency, only to realise that this particular cause was perhaps not such a bright idea after all. Stepping out of the helicopter, the wind from the rotor swept him off the ground in a general northern direction which eventually led him to a, we are beginning to feel, almost predestined meeting with the hood of the 1983 Mercedes Benz.
5. The California Cow Pole Vaulting Team was training for the Cow Olympics in the vicinity, and following a heated discussion with the other team members after having unwittingly chewed the leaves of a nearby coco-bush, the unfortunate cow champion yelled at the top of his voice: "Don't be schilly. OF COURSE I can jump across all six lanes on the highway. Moo."
6. It was well into the third six-pack that your investigative team suddenly realised the truth that had been staring them in the face all that time. We had missed the geopolitical significance of the location of this tragic incident. Yes, we realised that only a short distance separated Solano County from the last Stalinist empire in the world. Well, actually separated by the biggest ocean in the world, but you get the picture. Yes, the origin of the cow must have been North Korea, a country ruled with an iron fist by that notorious unashamed wearer of outrageous hair-dos Kim Jong-Il. Not only would a bovine carrying missile be a typically defiant gesture from a country supposedly ravaged by hunger, but we actually have evidence of the country's source of the ammunition: The chairman of Hyundai, mr. Chung Ju-Yung, recently sent a herd of cows across the border.
A friendly gesture? Perhaps you think it's a coincidence. Perhaps you are hopelessly naive. No, we think you will all agree that
what we are dealing with here is a North Korean secret plan to develop missiles that can reach across the whole world, carrying such animals as rabbits, Labrador retrievers, and weasels. Imagine hundreds of Labrador retrievers raining down over New York. Or donkeys darkening the skies over Paris, London or Berlin. World War Three material. And the question is, when will the dictators of this world learn that such behaviour is unacceptable? How much longer can we tolerate such blatant defiance of common humanity? And spare a thought for the poor animals - picture the cow desperately sending distress signals from inside the missile, "Moo-MoooMooo-Moo", trying to alert the driver of the 1983 Mercedes Benz to the impending disaster. Why can't we all just get along? 
